I just tried to unlock my house with the car remote
so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me
NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree
YES.
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office
She pulled out a handful of chest hair. And then gave the room a Brave Heartesque speech.
I bought him bourbon as a thank you for his apology. What is wrong with me?
It's gay pride weekend and Father's day.. So in honor of the occassions I am now BI
i don't think i have enough personality to make it through this date sober.
There was a clear and well defined point last night where I could've decided to go home but no now I've woken up with glitter all over my nuts and potentially an std or 2
How am i even supposed to meet his daughter? "Hi, Claire, I hear we have so much in common, like we both love your Dad and also we're almost the same age."
I just want to sit in my tub, drugged out of my mind, and watch the green lantern cartoon while the world as we know it ceases to exist outside my bathroom door, Okay? Is that REALLY too much to ask?
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
Guy just walked into the bathroom with only socks on and took a 5second shit. It is taking me longer to type this than for him to shit, wash hands, and leave the bathroom. WTF? Still wondering why he only had socks on.
My co-worker accidentally texted me regarding the threesome him and other one are planning.
Randomize
