Wanted to apologize for chris browning you when you were on my computer.
why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?
you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.
she said it was okay because they were "professional" nude pictures of her on the internet
im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet
My nephew just told me I smell like apathy and regret. Thats the hangover I'm dealing with
My chest hair is, as we speak, arching upward to embrace my neck beard. The union will be a storied one.
You've never even broken a bone. You singlehandedly disprove natural selection
I'm really having trouble focusing on shark week with this erection
After getting all 4 of my wisdom teeth removed I asked my dentist how much better would I be at head
That's the 3rd time I've gone home with her and she passed out on me. I poured 6 boxes of cereal on her and left
SCUSE ME I KNOW YOU DIDNT DO THAT MUCH COKE IN 10 MINUTES
He asked me to fly out to Seattle to participate in a week of marathon sex so I'm at the airport now. I'll call you when I get back.
And a hot pocket after we fucked. Heaven.
If this adventure is going to get us arrested it'll have to wait until Wednesday so that I can bail myself out.
Somebody put William Shatner singing Bohemian Rhapsody on the jukebox, and the whole bar is about to riot.
Randomize
