census says that i am hotter than the girl you just left with...sad for you
I'm like connect-the-dots of drunk. Whiskey, bourbon, vodka, rum, gin. The hidden picture is me faceplanting.
She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.
by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Why the hell did you invite him? He's gonna bring two more inches of dick and zero fun.
I'm so hungover it hurts to blink.. oh sweet merciful Christ what have I done
You are my best friend, but sometimes best friends need to punch each other in the face
I forgot I did whipits. Probably because my brain cells were killed from the whipits
He jumped into a mall fountain. I don't think that warrants a lifetime ban or the disorderly persons charge, but whatever. Fuck you Pennsylvania.
I tried to order dominos and couldn't but I accidentally placed an order for this morning. I knew I did it last night and was gonna call and cancel this morning but honestly it's coming in 30 minutes and I need it
I'm armed with nothing but $4 lip gloss gum and my phone. Ready to take on the fucking world.
I like that you're more concerned about how I would find the time to clone you, than the fact that I have your blood.
The good news is I woke up fully clothed, on top of my covers, with a half eaten granola bar. So, breakfast was waiting for me and I’m already dressed and ready to go today.
I don't think we should let her have pot anymore. She ate an entire package of bacon half-cooked and screamed that it was al-dente.
Randomize