so i decided not to tell her that her fiance is cheating since i already bought the bridesmaid dess
Then you got really excited when I upgraded you from puke bowl to puke bucket.
He told me he had herpes after I put his hotdog in my mouth
my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it
just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you
Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...
You put your shot glass in your waistband and then told me how convinent it was.
There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
I just found a plastic cup with panties inside of it. Let's play CSI.
Your lack of dedication to alcohol is forcing me to drink with my ex husband. U suck
You grabbed the hot guy that was making out with his girlfriend all night, slurred "I need to borrow this" then shoved your hand down his pants. All because you thought your ex walked into the bar. It was majestic in its shitshowness.
I met a pornstar at his bachelor party and signed his shirt giving him wedding advice
I'd say "I think I gave my TA chlamydia" is an accurate way to sum up my life.
I just had the polyamorous Canadian hockey player do the splits while naked in a handstand at my apartment just now. And yes, I know it’s 1:30am on a Thursday.
Randomize
