dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM
Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?
wait... oh
My dignity? Collapsing on itself like a dying star.
My mom just bought me $200 worth of booze on the condition that I promise I won't have to go to rehab eventually
You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...
Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd
I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse
My roommate said I banged on the wall and said, "this dude eats pussy like a champ."
Pretty sure my body is in shock, I shouldn't feel this ok after last nite.
It's the best! If I had one wish it would be for life to be one really long gay porno. Thats what I wish for during every 11:11.
Then she looked me straight in the eyes and asked me if I missed my foreskin. Weirdest conversation ever.
I was 100% done.. I used my vibrator while eating cold pizza. Shit was magical.
I'm honored that you could tear yourself away from your girlfriend's vagina long enough to text me.
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
He's far too busy staring into my soul to touch my tits.
If I don't get alcohol poisoning from tonight I don't think i ever will.
Randomize
