he put his p in my v, then his p in my a, and then tried to put the p in my m? first, double dipping is rude. second, i'm glad he finished shortly after that, i'm afraid of where he'd try to stick it next. my ear?
hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico
His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.
All I remember is that the bartender wouldn't give me scissors cuz I was too drunk
it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.
I just call them the hipster frat because they wear shirts other than pastel polos and listen to MGMT while playing dice.
I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
Update: That guy is no longer in the restroom, so he's probably not dead.
Just realized I've gone to court three different times with papers and a joint roller in my briefcase. #lawyeroftheyear
Now we're discussing the sex we had and the later lack thereof. It's like marriage counseling via snapchat.
I have this theory that your highest awareness of how drunk you are is while you're sitting on a toilet
I have an ideal penis or slightly above ideal penis in every country that isn't ruined by the specter of communism
Fuck man, I am really high rn and all I've eaten is different forms of pie
Have you actually looked at the corn flakes box? I don't think the rooster has a soul.
Randomize
