her voice is like 435,765 daggers being simultaneously twisted into my eardrum
i'd rather just be hit by a car than answer her phone calls
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
Didn't tell him I was on my period. Then had to surreptitiously remove some uterine lining from his cock.
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
Walking home still drunk in snow. Snowflakes are my only hydration..Need moreee
facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me
They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.
His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart
He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...
there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood
He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.
I woke up with chocolate melted between my tits. I'd say that's a win for all parties involved.
Wife and kids came home early...naked passed out covered in chili cheese Fritos dad will haunt them forever.
All I need is a morbidly obese man masturbating at the other end of the car and I'll complete the CTA Horror Trifecta.
Dude, he came to our house with a beer can in his hand dressed up in a chicken suit screaming, "free eggs!" then threw up and passed out in the front yard.
Randomize
