I'm basically sure i was the reason for glitter on his penis
between my moustache and how drunk I am it will be a miracle if I get laid tonight.
The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...
Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.
you didn't get her number why?
What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.
The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner
How was the party last night?
I'm dangerously close to shitting myself.
YOU DON'T JUST GET TO CALL AND SAY YOU MIGHT BE DEAD, THEN NOT ANSWER!
Can we just talk about how the only thing I have on my camera from this weekend is a video of you putting your whole fist in your mouth hahahha
Would I be a horrible mom if I got a babysitter at 6am so I could go get laid.
Nothing makes me prouder to be liberal and socialist than the idea of desecrating the memory of Ronald Reagan
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
If a weird guy texts you in the near future asking if you are satan just go with it
Randomize