Hey, what are you up to?
Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.
Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.
I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
you dialed the number "23" then talked to it for three minutes
I had to stop messing around with him for fear of laughing in his face. I swear it was a pinky finger in his pants
yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.
when did we get a doorman?
we were also in the wrong building...
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
Think of this as an opportunity. Like Jesus just opened up his closet, and inside is an endless supply of huge, beautiful cock.
I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?
I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.
I climaxed at the same time the bass dropped. I think it's safe to say I've reached enlightenment
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
Well there's a microwave in my yard now too. I fucking Bruce/Caitlyn Jennered decathloned that bitch.
I'm actually pinning crap for Friendsgiving like a boss right now. These bitches better show up.
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