Memo to self- delete texts about butt sex from you before giving my mom my old phone to use.
On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.
Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.
I think you'll appreciae more than anyone that I'm renting my parking spot out for a half gallon of vodka a month.
I've reached too hung over to move status will you bring me something to drink?
I moved out 2 weeks ago remember?
Can you ship it to me then?
The worst part was I wasn't conscious enough to move out of the way, I knew i was being puked on but I couldn't move.
I am officially now FB friends with my arresting officer.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
I like her. She smells like old lady but tastes like whiskey
I just gave myself a sponge bath with your sock. I hope you don't mind.
What! You have to go to class. Otherwise, you're wasting money that could have been spent on weed. Gotta get that shit in perspective.
Like I respect him so much I would suck his dick
In a very non respectful way
Is it normal, that tacos make me horny?
Last night this creepy guy asked me my name and I told him it was Jaundice and he called me that all night
According to the rule of quantum porn mechanics, the mere thought of something kinky causes it to exist. So out there, somewhere, there is already riddler/smurf porn...
Randomize
