If my vag had twitter, what do you think it would say?
so i wake up and the chick who i had sex last night left her phone number. next to the number was a broken condom. should i call?
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker
I know she was blacked out, but she looked directly at the toilet and said "we meet again"
No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted
i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting
I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma
I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever
If I had cancer, and got to make a wish, id make the organization force your dad to fuck me.
Tell him to dress up like Shaggy and kidnap him then bring him to me. We can pretend. Imaagination.
Partying with them is like having your dick stapled to your left nostril
like every night i go out someone always suggests nipple hugs so that's why I always end up topless
I spent half an hour sculpting my pubes into a perfect triangle of really short hair, and the first thing he said when he saw it was "Don't you think you need a shave?"
2014 decided to stick it to me one last time. Right up the ass.
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