If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining
bouncer thought i was tryin to get the license plate numbers of strippers to stalk them. I had to go show him where I threw up to get back in.
New plan: we get a little bit drunk and go to 24 hour fitness and be eachothers wing people so we can hit on in shape hot people at a gym instead of drunk idiots at a bar.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
I've always wanted to pass out in a bathtub
I think most people do. Your only real mistake was turning the water on first.
Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.
The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.
I dont know about you but I'm not getting out of bed this summer for anything but food or sex
Just found dollar bills in my sheets. What part of the weekend am I forgetting?
Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work
You need to get laid. You spent last night stumbling through the club pulling couples apart and telling them to leave room for Jesus.
It's 2pm, and I just had to pass a guy in the turning lane because he was driving down Main Street in an electric wheelchair pulling a flatbed trailer with 2 of his buddies in it and they were all drunk holding beers.
Just made a bong out of a pineapple. So yes.. And champagne is about to be popped
fuck Derek. I choose weed. weed isn't angry and would never ask me to be someone I'm not.
I think my pickup truck has been used for the sex... This doesn't sit right with me.
so the casino kicked my ass last night, i'm pretty sure i hit a new level of hungover....just showered with my sunglasses on because the bathroom light is too bright
Randomize
