I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.
You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.
I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.
I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Remember that time I sent you a 5lb bag of gummie bears?
Like it was yesterday.
Apparently I had it on auto deliver. So whoever is at your apt is gonna gen an interesting delivery...
He painted a swimsuit on me. Naked day at the lake was a success.
I'm shopping for Mother's Day cards while waiting for my herpes medication. What is life.
Why didn't you ever bring me to the pope as a baby so he could kiss me.
like, you weren't just lying there, you were wrapped in what appeared to be the skin of a wolf, chanting doomsday prophecies
THE END IS NEIGH
I made it 1 week... 5 business days at my new job before sleeping with my coworker.
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize