I thought she had blonde hair
No, Gonorrhea actually
M and I are hungry and we are making your pizza in the fridge. But you're having sex and we're not so we dont feel bad.
YOU CAN MICROWAVE POPTARTS!?!??!
I swear to god I'm going to hunt down and stab the next telemarketer that calls from a blocked number while I'm waiting for my STD results...
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Put it this way, at one point I was getting stoned on the roof of the strip club with one of the strippers while another one gave me a free lap dance. That wasn't even the best part of the night.
but im not going to tell the owner of the penis of my dreams how to wear his hair.
I also love beards. The playoffs are like christmas for my vagina.
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
Im at that shitty point in my day where I start planning night activities while finger dipping vyvance off of my desk, you got any plans?
Is it sad that I planned a a romantic trip to dunkin donuts for and with myself on Saturday, then added an equally romantic after midnight stroll through the half off candy sale? I find that worthy of adding a few cats to my collection agree?
You could totally spank that new found Catholicism out of him.
It was fine. Until I accidentally shit on his floor.
I feel so accomplished. I've cleaned my room, done laundry, called those places, gotten jobs, and masturbated.
I'm so proud of you.
Randomize
