I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is
I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.
Seriously... There's something wrong here. I'm drinking vodka to mask the smell of chocolate on my breath before I get home and he finds out. I fucking hate couple dieting...
You told me you were allowed to keep eating butter because it had just passed midnight and you were on the next day's daily fat servings
I stole a fireplace last night.
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
All you had to say was "damn dude that looks fun, I miss ice fishing." But you sent a picture of poop. Classy
Is it too early to start pregaming for St. Patty's?
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
He was "hot guy in the dark". One of us had to sleep with him. I took the bullet you're welcome.
I thought adderall would sober me up, but it did NOT.
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I don't know what part of my sober brain thought it was a good idea to get stoned when I can barely walk with crutches as it is, but that part is stupid.
If your gig isn't over in 30 minutes I am coming on that stage to come on your dick.
I'm naked on my couch and just ate a chip that was in my belly button.. my 20s have been weird.
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