My breakfast consisted of a slimfast and an adderal. My fridge is like an insecurity buffet.
Don't worry we didnt bang. Sometimes I just bring guys home so I don't order pizza.
Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.
the only reason you beat me in fntsy this week is bc you wouldnt bail me outa jail in time to set my roster you dick
Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.
I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.
Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.
he doesn't even text me anymore.. he just facebook chats me a shark emoticon which has turned into code for 'be naked at my house in 15 mins'
Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!
When I said tequila slammers would be the death of me, I didn't intend it to be today. Oh god.
how do you casually eat pancakes with someone after they send you an unsolicited dick pic?
you don't. it's the point of no return for pancake enjoyment.
he offered me cocaine within 5 minutes of my arrival. yes of course i'm keeping him
Well, I'm most mad that he lied to you (about being married)...but the CAT THING IS A CLOSE SECOND
I just had sex a few hours ago now i'm eating frozen yogurt making sex plans for tonight while catching Pokémon. What a time to be alive.
Sorry I’m late. Got horny watching the traffic report and had to rub one out
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