Just had to open a tuna can with a spoon. Gave me a sense of hunting for my own food.
I'm starving. my midnight snack, aka a teaspoon of cum, isn't holding me over
i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend
it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.
I told the bartender that he could give me back the tip I gave him if he outsmarted me in a battle of wits. He has yet to challenge me.
I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.
I cancelled the entertainment for your b-day party.... Keep the bouncy castle just in case.
I have this terrible fear I might accidentally text a pic of my dick to my grandma
I take to many stalker pics of him. If he ever looks through my phone he'll never give me sex again :(
his penis was like the majestic horn of a unicorn and I came like a million trumpeting rainbows.
He had a cruise ship of a dick and I need to set sail on that ocean again
Jesus fuck. I just hit on him in front of the whole fire department. They hit the sirens and told us to get a room. FML. I can never go back to that fire station again...
I’m getting back at my ex and training my new boy toy how to properly satisfy a woman. I’m killing two birds with one dick.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
100000% expect a picture of my ass in them
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