I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
i half slept with him but i still dont owe you any money
Their flight hasn't even left yet and the 'buy food to keep yourself alive' budget is gone on tequila.
I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.
All his texts have the signature of a date with a smile. I asked him what it means. IT'S THE DAY HE QUIT DOING DRUGS
I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?
duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.
dear god, who put you in a cab?
We are cuddling. She is so cute when she is too high to be a loud bitch.
He tried eating fireworks, to stop him being hungover in the morning. Where do you keep finding these people?!
it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats
I asked the full emergency room who else was there because of homecoming and every single person raised their hand
And I must've sleep walked to the fridge cause when I woke up, there I was, balls deep in a fudge pop.
For me the most fucked up part of last night was that I know for a fact that you were sober. But your dancing was a close second.
At one point I had two blunts in my hand and had no idea where they came from.
I think I just sharted jello shots
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