then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!
I'm sending you this that that when you wake up and see the girl sleeping next to you, you know who to thank
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
Do you think my bosses would frown upon Jameson with breakfast on this holiest of days?
Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.
Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics
But that's half the fun of it
I find out next week of the Australian was lying about his vasectomy or not. Keep your fingers crossed!
Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
I'm on the bus, watching a girl shush her balloons.
I just found (and ate) a chunk of a reese's that fell between my boobs. Problem is that I finished those off 3 days ago in a drunk induced sob session... Has it really been that long since I changed my clothes?!
She's just a lonely cunt and i hope she stays that way for the rest of her fucking life.
This seems like an over reaction to someone eating your fries.
You've discovered your super power: Your Vagina
Beard. Chest hair. Job.
The holy trinity.
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
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