Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.
I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.
I woke up locked in the bar...this has redefined partying.
Let me know when ur ready so I can throw up one last time then brush my teeth
It was almost as bad as the time I peed on the floor of the Pentagon's subway station.
Hey! Welcome back! How was the bachelorette in Vegas?
A safari of penis I hurt to the core
She told me she ate a whole pizza today, and I just wanted to hug her forever.
Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?
Where's your car?
The girl I brought home apparently stole it
I'm sorry that throwing up fish and Jamaican Rum in the back of your dad's car ruined our friendship
We hooked up last night. I think it was great for our friendship.
he was peeing off the deck shouting "urinals are for pussies" that's how much hurricane.
I just bought condoms and a potted plant, making for a top ten super weird and awkward purchase.
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