Omg alex and i were cooking weiners on a campfire and a bear came and i am waayyy too high for this
If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."
she makes me feel like im THAT guy in the taylor swift song
you stole their roomba and ran out the door so that you could 'set it free'.
we found you passed out on lawn and the roomba bouncing back and forth on the sidewalk.
I'm also 95% sure I had a conversation with someone on how hard it would be to jerk off with out opposable thumbs
How the hell did he get a boner in that type of situation?
You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.
Stop thinking your God dude. You passed out. God doesn't pass out...
Mmhmmm. I have a list of drunk achievement that is almost as long as my list of stoned achievements
Dude. Went to buy some jack and sailor Jerry, when the guy at the counter realized it was my birthday everybody in the store including the stoners and the elderly sang to me. Then they gave me shots of moonshine. 21st bday was a success
Sorry, It's like OkCupid Olympics... categories: best sext, best dick pic, and most effort by ugly. You won gold in the last event if that makes you feel better.
I just stole a bunch of balloons from a birthday party and am giving one to each person at the bar.
You know your life has gone downhill when someone has to preface your night with "don't get locked in a porta potty"
there is another microwave in the elevator.
Well, not only did I find out the Top Knight has roof access, I also let a guy I just met eat me out on the roof. Seems like a lot of wins if you ask me.
Randomize
