I had new employee orientation at the YMCA today. I showed up with a hangover, a black eye, scratches down my arm, and a sore throat from puking gin and keystone.
I just saw Sharon Stone's cootch in high def. I think I'll stay gay.
He left a cum stain in the shape of a heart on my sheets.
He's like the Bob Ross of love stains.
I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?
oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything
One good thing about being really drunk when you go out to dinner is that the leftovers are a surprise. These quesadillas had shrimp in them! Who knew?
Could you imagine living in a city where bartenders are available by 1:30 AM
I'd have like 4 kids by now and at least one std
YOU GAVE HIM A BLOWJOB ON YOUR DOORSTEP?!
Woke up in a sombrero and a males speedo. Tequila makes normal peoples clothes fall off, however it makes me fall into a questionable identity crisis
I woke up this morning with a half eaten bagel and an empty pack of imitation crab meat in my bed. This is going to be my response to pick up lines now.
There's a kid in the back of the class drinking out of a flask. Like what is going on?
NOW HE'S DRINKING OUT OF A HANDLE. WHO IS THIS KID?
the kid next to me in math class is drawing gay porn. it's good, but that is beside the point
It isn't about the beer pong. It is about the destruction of the patriarchy.
Um, when I went down on you it got stuck there. Still had gum in my mouth. Didn't exactly have use of my hands to assist
BUT YOU GOTTA TASTE THE RAINBOW!!
That's what Skittles are for!
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