sooo i think when i get back from rothbury i should probably take a pregnancy test
but you would be showing by now. i'd just save the money and wait for a large crap in 6 months that starts crying. then you'll know.
so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.
you know that annoying kid in my psych class? accidentally hit him in the face with a door today. perfect end to the semester.
I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.
I cant. There's fences everywhere and I think I have a boyfriend. Its fabulous.
A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".
I think drinking everclear was a better idea than taking a night class.
Shut the fuck up. It's not the end of the world. Now come get your asshole bleached with me or we're not roommates anymore.
Thanks for your faith in my ability to stay sober while writing final essays. It's...unearned.
Gramp just called her sex-on-a-stick. AKA HE CALLED HER A WHORE. My 75 year old grandfather just called your ex's new thing a whore.
Got to use the phrase "sweet pukas dude." My day is made.
Got my client divorced finally. He was even awarded the cat ashes. Yep I went to law school for this.
Rebounding with her sister was the best idea i ever had.
He just got back from doing field research studying wild chimpanzees in the goddamn jungle. Obviously I fucked him.
Note to self: I can rip apart her vagina and she'll still cuddle with me, but if I steal her Chapstick she'll murder me !?
Randomize
