the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime
...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.
I don't think he wanted to hear that my most serious relationship was my 1 1/2 year fuck buddy... I think he figured out that's where he's heading
The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.
Well if I'm going to hook up with every ethnicity by the end of undergrad, I need to be moving on
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
ask me again when I'm sobewr aka tuesday
Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.
HAPPY BIRTHDAY I ATE TOO MUCH OF AN EDIBLE AND TOLD MY BARISTA I LOVED HER
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
I was high as fuck laying down in the back seat while she gave him head. Most awkward chill moment of my life.
Sorry I can't pick up... thought process is fine but too stoned to form words.
He thought reverse cowgirl meant he dressed up as a cowgirl. Honestly, it was more creepy than funny
There is a sex dungeon behind the wine cellar. This is why I hate showing foreclosures.
Randomize
