I woke up this morning really drunk with my Christmas lights on and two owls in my bed.
She just said she finds Tyler Perry funny... this is not going to work.
Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence
Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?
We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
Taking my underwear off at work was one of my better decisions this weekend
Jesus Christ that hit just spoke to so many levels of my soul. It's caressing them softly
You were just so carefree! People were like, "there's broken glass everywhere" and you were just like, IDGAFFFFFFF
Why aren't you two playing Dora the explorer with each other's genitals yet?
Trust me.. Might look gay.. Might feel gay... But I could snap your neck with my inside thighs bro
Let's knock shit down like godzilla and have intense sex in the rubble
I'm high. ignore me
I told him I wish we were at my house cause then I could tell him to get out after we had sex.
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