do you know why i have a volvo grill taped to the back of my car?
having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!
You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing
Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this
...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...
After getting rejected by him, I got a strangely pleasant dick pic from an unknown number with the caption: "I hope this gets you through the night ;)" It's like the Cock-Gods were shining down upon me.
Mind if I sleep with your cousin? If I can... thanks. If no, sorry its gonna happen.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
Just come home. We will have sex and Taco Bell. I'm feeling wild, I put on temporary tattoos.
Tell him to put up or shut up. Can't be dangling dick in front of ho's without delivering.
It's just disrespectful
I have a horrible feeling I left my dildo in the kitchen today after washing it. This is my life.
Definitely the only person to buy 2 handles a 2 bottles of champagne & 3 thirties while wearing a fanny pack
My neighbour just came round to ask why we posted a spatula through his door at 3am. What do I tell him??
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