I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..
He uses pillows to masturbate.
i sleep in a fine layer of vodka and semen. i don't know that that would appropriate for a pajama rally.
All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?
You mean bread?
Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.
he told me that my best friend was "one the most attractive people he's ever seen" and wondered why he didn't get a blow job
do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.
Just finished putting caution tape around the tv. Sober me needs to prepare.
The mystery gender stripper never showed up with that party burrito last night.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge
And please let him know I don't normally go off on long rants about feminist theory. That was totally the vodka talking.
He passed out before we could have sex. I had no choice but to use his boner to hold my onion rings.
Randomize
