I've only been here for an hour and I've already made 6 babies cry.
Happy Birthday
I'm sorry but all I really read was "my nipples will get hard."
He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday
My friend just ordered a beer and poured it on the floor in celebration of open bar night
Sober Sundays just aren't working out anymore.
Responsible roommate: 1. Someone who takes a huge shit at work so as not to clog the toilet at home.
Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....
i made this one couple from ohio so uncomfortable that they left....and that was WHEN I HAD PANTS ON
What am I supposed to say? "Hi new uncle in law once I tried cocaine in Mexico and every once in a while i motorboat strangers. so happy to be a part of your family"
he told me to take care of him and then he asked me to walk him to his hotel. I already have a pussy. I don't need another one
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
The guy who said he's gonna suck your butthole till your face caves in is at Maggie's
I told him I was ready for another round and he said, "after this part." What guy chooses James Bond over pussy?!
I had a rough night. I'm just gonna lay here and masturbate for a while before I have to go adult.
I walked in to you guys using a milk jug as a gravity bong
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