Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles
There was a photo of his face glued to a lifesize Kim Kardashian cutout. By the end of the night he was doing shots out of medicine cups and making everybody hug it goodbye.
All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.
I can't answer my phone I'm at work
I slept with a male stripper last night. Priorities
Do you know why I woke up with a half peeled lemon in my purse with a post-it that said "eat me" on it?
I'm tempted to randomly yell out 'SO HOW IS YOUR UNDERAGE GIRLFRIEND' but that would be callous
ITS THE FIRST FRIDAY NIGJT AFTER MOVING IN WITH THE NEW ROOMIE AND I ACTUALLY JIST RIPPED MY TAMPON OUT AND THREW IT IN THE NEIGHBORS YARD WERE GOINF ON THE BOAT AND SLEPEING IN HIS AMBULANCE GOODNIGHT
Went to bed in my room fully clothed, woke up naked in the kitchen with the dog looking unamused.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
I woke up with my my shoes on and pants half way off and missing 60 dollars. Please please please tell me you saw me last night.
just woke up with nickles taped to my body. theres like a dollar worth.
they are cutting me off...little do they know I am making a 75 yr old man i named Herbert buy me drinks now...no shame at 11 am...
Randomize
