it sounded like he was fisting a can of crisco.
I think I saw a glimmer of recognition, but she must not have been able to make me out through all of her whorishness.
she looks like luggage that fell from a plane
every time i get drunk at her place i end up leaving with nothing but an empty box of toaster strudels..
I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.
I was throwing up in the shower. He was throwing up on me. It was a cute couple moment for us.
Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one
You gave me balls I gave you half a boob. Fair trade
I forgot to tell you, that tinder guy literally lives 15 floors beneath me. I have been creepily saying things to him like "I see youve got a hammer on the patio"
Hey kevin, it's Ashlee. I have been trying to get ahold of you. Your pledge gave me your number. I really wanted to apologize for shitting in your car I'll buy new upholstery or pay to have it shampooed if needed. I'm so embarrassed.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I apologize for there being a shopping cart in the living room. I don't know how why or where i got it.
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
Its nights like last night that make me want to high five my liver.
She shouldn’t care what consenting adults do behind closed doors
You do realize it was her husband you were hooking up with behind that door, right?
Randomize
