how could I be having a bad time, I have the three most important things in life: Goat cheese, Xanax, and Saved By the Bell Re-runs.
are you so shy because you have an std?
Who was more unwelcome: The two of us at the party last night, or Kimmy Gibler at the Tanner residence?
I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.
that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary
I never thought I would say the free bottle of grey goose was the problem but it was
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
you asked the janitor if you could ride his floor cleaner.
I got Green Bay stickers to put on my nipples. This way when I flash it will look like I did it out of spirit as opposed to drunkenness
My phone autocorrects "pooping" to "popping" and I'm like DO YOU EVEN KNOW ME??!
I am thankful for thumbs.
Because without thumbs, we would be dolphins.
Land dolphins.
I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?
and idk now I have nine bags of lettuce in my fridge
Question: have you ever spent your Tuesday evening helping your one-night-stand create a resume? Because I have...
You can call me ugly and you can call me fat,but don't you EVER say my meme game is weak.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
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