3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear
I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door
you were carrying a trash bag around insisting it was your purse. I'll let you guess how your night went
Just saw a denim jacket with the phrase christian cowboy...ridin with the lord under a picture of a cowboy in a sunset. I'm def in mississippi.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Idk what else to talk about besides you paying for half of my vaginaplasty.
I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.
She suggested that I come visit her in Europe and hook up with the heteroflexible Korean who sits next to her in class. Polylove is the best love.
Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"
I was riding him and in the middle he literally said "fuck yeah, Amy Winehouse"
I just found glitter from our Father's Day party on my balls this morning.
DAD WTF
Concept: I never actually flirt with anyone, I'm just a bitch and some people find it endearing
For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.
He ate me out while I was playing bejeweled. It was the greatest moment of my life.
Just fell out of the attic onto the garage floor. Okay but might go for an x ray. Smashed one of the kitchen drawers to bits.
Holy Shit Mom
Randomize
