My mom caught just caught me jerking off...in her room.
im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.
Haha Tomato, Tomato. That doesn't work very well via text message.
so I have this game called 14 beers left. and we both have to drink 7 before we leave
Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.
please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow
I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.
The woman at the bus stop told me i smell delicious and asked if i wear cotton then proceeded to tell me about her shellfish allergy
When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots
Things were easy when he was just a penis. Now he's a penis with feelings.
After a roaring rendition of Jay-Z's "99 Problems but a bitch ain't one" I ended up making her cry on her birthday.
Who the fuck cries when they're stoned?!
Sorry man I just really wanted a McChicken
Woke up with a 22 year old with the number for a different girl written on my stomach, almost 30 can suck my dick I still got this shit
Omg. I definitely just got hit on by my doctor AFTER he completed my pap smear which clearly showed I was in the middle of an outbreak. What. The. Fuck.
I just peed on myself the semester has officially began.
Randomize
