Just donated money to a kid for her softball team.
Obviously I'm trying to futher our next generation of lesbians. I may be hitting on her at the gay bar in ten years...
I just offered a homeless man a meal from McDonald's, and he replied "I don't eat McDonald's food". That is the epitome of "begger's can't be choosers."
I had 4 margarita's and 2 mixed drinks and i blew zero's. Its a cinco de mayo miracle.
We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.
Wow that was a lesbian tornado.
I can dry shave vagina like a champ
Grandma can hear your bong from the living room, please be more quiet. Love mom.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
I just had really awesome sex bent over the side of an air hockey table. That is all. Happy thanksgiving.
The smell of mosquito spray completely ruined the sex.
Just realized Ive never seen my f buddy in the daylight. What if he looks different?
so i woke up at six am and his bathroom was flooded. i think i fucked shit up in my sleep.
WELL I DIDNT KNOW IT WAS POSSIBLE TO COME SO HARD YOU HAVE AN ASTHMA ATTACK BUT HERE I AM
My six-margarita-deep ass just used a blow torch to light the match that lit my bong pack. Peak single 🤦ðŸ¼â€â™€ï¸
I think the night went to shit after he started sweating and crying about a taco he dropped on the ground 3 years ago. No more blind dates
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