1:32 am: your girlfriend looks like a man
1:48 am: your uglier
Can a clitoris grow tomatoes? Its symbolic and rhetorical.
My liver just broke up with me...
dude. she was texting with her nipple. I love touch screen phones!
she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.
I just saved him in my contacts as "Has 2 kids.. don't drunk text"
Was it high me or sober me who put those Jolly Rancher sticks in the freezer? I'd be soooo impressed if it was high me.
Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?
Do you want cuervo gold or silver?
Hooked up with a guy dressed as Miss Frizzle last night... Asked if I could ride his Magic School Bus
You need to somehow incorporate the phrase "these hoes ain't loyal" into your best man speech.
I'm sorry I was just sleeping on the kitchen floor I'm too dead to think
Yeah you're weird. You once told me you would by me a house in the middle of sex. Like as you were thrusting.
Got my period and a UTI on the same day. Fuck you, Sunday.
I have no idea what happened last night but I sobered up whilst showering with a mop.
maybe you should have closed the porn before you gave the professor your computer to hook up to the projector?
Randomize
