her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.
I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills
how else could I explain the last few years
do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?
After walking in on us in the living room, he still insisted that he slept in my bed with me afterwards.
You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
I haven't seen him since I gave him a hand job in the hospital. I like to think I contributed to his speedy recovery.
Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...
You come home the day the world is supposed to end. Well played Mayans.
Hey, I told her the bathroom was a "No fly zone" after I used it. She willingly allowed her nose to go through that pain. It's her fault, she only supplied me with vodka when she knows I only drink rum.
Xanax and cookies, it's good to be home
He was eating my ass and came up for air, I almost choked laughing because he had a toilet paper cling on stuck in his mustache
You guys are like the reason that ketamine is a controlled substance.
BUT I'M ALSO ONLY IN IT FOR SEX AND HE CAN'T EVEN GET THAT PART RIGHT.LIKE LITERALLY ALL HE HAS TO DO IS DICK ME DOWN AND BE A DECENT HUMAN BEING IS THAT SO HARD TO ASK?!
just realized we fucked to the ultimate disney playlist last night. hakuna matata.
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