Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.
you left a giant bottle of vodka in my room from last night. does this serve as a parting gift or hush money?
It's hard for me to sext him when the picture i see on my phone when he texts me is his facebook default of him and his girlfriend.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
two fat guys on crotch rockets just invited me to 'party' with them at a del taco. why does this keep happening to me?
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears
Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.
I love you. I'm too high for this. Find a way. Make it happen. Live strong.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
Got a traffic ticket on the way home.. Literally cost me $171 to give him a blowjob. I swear the officer could smell the cum in my hair.
Well he was saying something about being emotionally unavailable since his dad died, but then I blew him in a tree and he shut up
It's like we're in an emotionally distant three-way and there's not even sex to show for it.
If you are refering to the duckling living in your bath...I can explain, but before I do, can you throw a peice of bread in there?
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
Randomize
