That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.
I think thanksgiving was created so we could all be thankful that we're still alive after the night before.
Sometimes i wish my penis was detachable that way i could take it off sometimes so i wouldnt get into these situations
I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.
I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.
He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.
She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.
Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.
I wish you were awake and high the same times I was awake and high. And also in the same state. So we can fuck passionately.
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I "liked" his changed relationship status just to show him I'm ok with the fact he found someone not as pretty as me
I just used Bacardi to dry out poison ivy.
u better not lose ur virginity to a sugar daddy who doesn’t post a pic of himself to tinder
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