Worst sexual experience IN MY LIFE. And now i know why it makes jesus cry.
could hear acupuncture therapist getting blown in the next room over the whale music
ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.
Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.
Today I left one job interview, showed up randomly at his house for a midday bootycall then left right after to attend my second job interview. I got both jobs
Hey, I shot that toilet dead center, drunk, from at least 6 ft away. I'm a fuckin awesome shot. You guys were completely safe.
Yes, that toilet won't be hurting anyone anymore.... Hahaha
If your nipples ruin my wedding photos I will kill you.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Paige is home safe.
Actually, she's here now, punching me in the face. You should've kept her keys.
His favorite positions involve choking me out. I'm marrying him.
The highlight of my night will be digging in other people's garbage
Why are you drunk at the library?
Why not?
He just peed in the cab. I repeat..IN.
I just made the same noise looking at my salami sandwich as I do hooking up with you.
yes we're having sex but I'm texting you...so what does that tell you?
Randomize
