so Brent and I ordered you a drink then realized you don't live here. I drank it.
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
Just saw a guy at the gas station legitimately dressed in exactly what my costume was last night. Fuck his life.
You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
He let me keep my Michael Jordan Bulls jersey on during sex.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
No, just kidding. But your faith in me to throw a lesbian bridal shower makes me think I an pull it off. To the LGBT bar!
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
I just had a sexting conversation using medieval jargon. I think he is a fine suitor.
New rule: if you don't think racism exists, you don't get to put your penis inside me.
Oh shit that's not good dude. I'd head straight for Williamsport hospital the first ingredient in that shit is lithium batteries. You don't want to know what the second one is
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
but like who hasn’t gotten fingered at the state fair?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
Randomize
