the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!
It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.
tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.
We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.
he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!
I'm mentally preparing my vagina for this semester. It's fucking welcome week. I'm going to be talking to her all night.
Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"
I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family
My wife climbed on top of me, fucked my brains out, and gave me money from the ATM. I'm living the dream.
We're making a scrapbook of dick pics, you want in or what?
So let me get this straight I was getting drunk with our science teacher from high school and you got drunk with an 82 year old woman who invited you back to her house and made you sandwiches.
Yes.
You know its a good morning when you wake up with blonde hair extensions in your pocket. . .
She moved all of her stuff out while we were gone. Shit in the toilet, and didn’t flush. So yeah it went well.
I like shiny stuff tho if that’s an emotion
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