My penis looks like a roll of pennies
Oh. Ok. I get the hint.
Like a roll of pennies where the paper got wet & then dried all wrinkly and weird...
Shes cool when Im fuckin smashed.....Sober.....She suuuuuuuuuuucks
his logic is that since hes already cheated on her w me its doesnt count
I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.
birthday sex, birthday sex, birthday sex
I'm on my period, period, period
After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.
The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.
PS- I just ordered a two man zebra costume. Would you like to be my back end?
In the pictures there's a flower in my hair and also a lobster, I need those things explained
i woke up with 5 inch heels locked on my feet and my car keys missing. this is gonna be an interesting walk home
I'm adopting to save the world from the moral outrage that would be my offspring
oh so have I but I'd still suck a dick or 20 in the name of freedom.
Wine and a Lunchable. That would be depressing if it wasn't the pepperoni and mozzarella one. Those are the shit!
You tried to prove you weren't drunk by loudly singing the romanian national anthem. Why the fuck do you even KNOW the romanian national anthem?
Places I vomited today: hotel bathroom, in the cab to the airport, airport bathroom, airport terminal trashcan, plane seat 18E, and the plans bathroom
Fun wedding?
Yes. Very.
Randomize
