I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk
I'm 99% sure that for 3 hours I thought you were British. We must smoke that again.
I KNOW. I'm like, ew who are these ppl. And then I remember I'm traveling to New York to accidentally hook it with two different dudes in one weekend.
I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks
Yeah, but he has adorable dimples and dimples talk me into things.
Do drug dealers work on Memorial Day?
I reek of vagina.. My cab driver commented.
You don't know reunion panic until you've exfoliated your butt cheeks.
Made a pinky promise to a lesbian on crack in WeHo. No one knows what I promised
you were holding her above your head singing Circle of Life in what i assume was a Simba reference. then she smacked her head on a bar light and the bouncers kicked you out
I just puke and rallied at my anniversary dinner #winning
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
Freshly fucked must agree with my hair cause I've gotten compliments on it this afternoon
Oh god I found a set of car keys in my pocket, and I have no idea who's they are
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