Locked eyes w/ her at mainstreet, and said 'yeah yeah get it!' From there we started violently making out on the dancefloor (I had a FULL boner, ps) and then I got her number
the people of mcdonalds are all starring at me & this dude like they know we just slept together
Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.
i've got to stop sleeping with short guys. they always turn into stage 5 clingers
I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.
It was the third Sunday in a row that I woke up in his bathtub. So no our sex life isn't that great anymore.
Still can't decide which I'm more disappointed about: the blow job I gave him or the donuts I ate after.
We just shotgunned beers for America
Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck
They let me close the tennis center alone. It's a 6-minute drive from 2 of my booty calls. Scratch tennis court bj off the bucket list.
Just asking. Could've given you a lap dance in a sombrero, drenched in corona and tequila.
God Bless cinco de mayo
MY MOM IS GOING TO SMOKE WITH ME.
SHE'S GOING TO SMOKE HIGH QUALITY MARIJUANA WITH ME.
I'm not well. Although it could be worse.
My cousin is so hungover she quit her job.
How drunk is too drunk to be on an airplane?
My ex is stopping by while he’s working tonight after delivering a pizza to fuck me, then going back to work at Pizza Hut. This is what my life has become.
Randomize
