Dude. Muppets take manhattan on netflix instant. Pass my midterm or relive my childhood? Tough decision.
There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled
She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.
Dude I think I was making out with the cat last night
I don't have a cat..?
Well nonetheless. Whatever it was purred when I used tounge.
someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation
Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer
You slow clapped the stripper last night.
Aaaaand then she sang MDMA to the tune of the YMCA song, with appropriate gestures.
Trying to coordinate a drug deal while taking a psych test is not easy.
I'm on acid right now in three feet of snow. I NEEEED YOOOOUUUU
My mom just walked in on me naked taking a shit and packing a bowl...the only comment she makes is, she wants her Tupperware back after my pot's out of it. Best mom ever.
I drank too much tequila. I'm hyperventilating. Send help. I think I slipped through satan's asshole.
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
My Mormon mother just found a butt-plug in our AirBnB closet.
A total of 3 guys left my apartment this morning. That was my first clue to my black out endeavors last night. Gotta love wine Wednesdays.
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