I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
I wish they made helmets for livers.
I couldn't remember if it was hamsters or Iraq that you hated. I'm so sorry.
i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..
what?how do you know?
it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.
did i get hit in the head with a hammer? someone just asked me...
I'm going to have to start sleeping with my keys taped to my stomach.
i jsut waqnnna hugg thw crap outa sokme peoplee
thank god we only have to drink eggnog and rum once a year. It taste like shit.
Walk back down Church toward Mass Ave. Take a right and head for the guy in a kilt on top of the really tall unicycle. C u soon!
Also. After puking outside of the bar last night, some guy (who saw me puking) said I looked like Jennifer Lawrence, called me J Law, got my number and is now texting me. Who knew puking and rallying would do me any good
There is a car windscreen wiper in my handbag... Not my car's, not ok.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
I literally have anal toys soaking in the bathroom sink and dinner on the stove. If that doesn't scream "domestic goddess", I don't know what the fuck does.
I can't believe you tried to cock block me from A DIFFERENT TIME ZONE.
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