I think i found my new favorite workout. Go to a party where you dont know anybody and constantly walk around the house so you dont look awkward standing alone. im up to 1.8 miles
I wish I had a dollar for every time I've slept off a late night I dont want to remember in my recliner.
just found the deal breaker
hairy back?
he can't live within 1000 ft of a school
the only muscles i have these days is kegels
Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.
I pretty much have hash tequila and gelato for dinner every night
if you just come over, i will entertain you
arguing about the color of your bong does not count as entertainment
I'm pretty sure I swallowed a whole condom
My mom just looked at me while watching the fireworks and asked if it reminded me of how I felt after sex. I'm so uncomfortable.
Is cereal technically a soup?
Fuck, I'm high.
I will give you the couch, a small portion of the fridge, and plenty of beer.
Got my future figured out. I'm oddly comforted. Thanks, bro.
I just cut open the plastic package of a Plan B pill using the bottle opener I carry in my purse. #whyidrink
Any man who can do squats while fucking you is a man worth keeping.
STOP PUTTING BUTTER ON MY FUCKING CAT
My favorite part was when you kept telling everyone you were being "green" by drinking straight out of the bottle so u weren't wasting a cup.
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