You know your life is awesome when sometimes you walk down the street eating a sandwich and you run into someone you had a threesome with. And not say hi.
He DELETED brick breaker off his blackberry why even bother trying to find something in common?
He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"
your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.
This is a great bar, except you can't even randomly burst into song without them assuming you're drunk and cutting you off.
I got laid while wearing a shirt with a picture with my little brother deep throating a banana on it.
There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.
SO HELP ME GOD THERE IS A SPIDER IN THIS PIZZA. IT IS VERY SMALL IT IS INSIDE THE CRUST AND IT IS ALIVE. I'M SO HUNGRY DO I KEEP EATING
And for today's main disappontment. I thought I saw a midget with fireworks get on the buss, alas it's a child with cleaning supplies
Stop calling my penis "Fat Jesus"
I'm pretty sure I hallucinated the existence of an entire human being last night.
its hard to say precisely how it happened, but the next thing i knew i was on top of a mountain
Of course you try to burn the house down on the one night we take down the smoke alarm so we can use the fog machine more
Randomize
