the people next to us in line are buying a 12 pack and a snuggie
Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.
Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I lost my keys but found four buffalo wings in my pockets
I feel miserable and there's nutella all over my phone
I feel like jumping into a breast pit right now. Like the old school ball pits at mcdonalds.
i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me
I love being high. The owl outside stopped who-ing and I could swear I just heard someone say, "Okay, that's a wrap!"
My motherfucking vibrator ran out of batteries right when I was about to orgasm. It's like he's possessed everything sexual in my life and has compelled it to NOT SATISFY ME.
Just killed a snake in my bed! And by killed I mean hit repeatedly with my fist. And by snake I mean a lump in the covers. And I pissed my pants.
He texted his hospitalized grandma while inside me, so really a perfect gentleman.
Kinda hard to look your partner in the face the day after a rousing game of How Many Ways Can I Capture Your Penis.
My neck is sore from all the headbanging. And I can't tell the difference between the jello stains and cum stains.
its not much but to go through all that to ask for half a balls worth of money was so stressful
Randomize
