So bad night, ended up beating off to porn and eating Keebler elf cookies.... at the same time :-(
Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.
I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card
I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.
Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.
Whoever put salsa in the kiddie pool.....your an ass. Fuck you.
I should be a dude... Walking a goat on a rope is a total chick magnet.
I'd rather have snapchat than feelings.
ive decided that just saying "yes" when people assume I am something other than Caucasian will highly benefit my love life. last night I was native.
I forgot to tell you that he serenaded me with "Fuck Her Gently" by Tenacious D. And I didn't hate it.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
Also my roomates are going to be gone till sunday. Make correct decision here
Quit calling your parents your roomates
I just found a bag of chex mix in my clutch
You were feeding it to the bartender last night
i had to call him over, it was my last chance at getting some tonight
HE HAS A RESTRAINING ORDER AGAINST U!!!
it expires tomorrow
I woke up with your bra on, and some guys boxers. I'm in a random truck, in the middle of nowhere...
Randomize