Hey, do you have a beer bong you could drop off at my little brother's place?
This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.
Sleepwalking naked until I was 12 made it so much easier to get away with drinking at moms now.
Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.
Why are you speaking in third person?
Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.
In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.
Between this new vagisil cleaner and these cranberry vitamins, my vagina feels like a new women.
My vibrator box just fell off the table and hit my cat in the head, he is a little stunned. Good thing I went medium size
And to celebrate the raising of our lord I just purchased a bunny buttplug. Am I doing this Easter thing right?
Currently having to re-watch episodes of Lost that I've only partially seen because you distracted me with your vagina
All I wanted was a couple of orgasms before work, is that too much to ask?!
I would also like you to tell your human bio class that I successfully smoked out the flu. 103 degree when I woke up yesterday. 100degree after one bowl. 4 more bowls and 16 hours later all that's left is a cough
She asked me if I could do that to her every single time. I said nope. sometimes it's better.
At least I’m an “essential employee” and can still bang my boss. \n\nFingers crossed my husband doesn’t ask why I’m essential, the orgasms are too good to give up during this pandemic
I just want to get high and watch Dr. Pimple Popper.
Randomize
