I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.
How far into the semester do we have to be before it's ok to get drunk in between classes again?
Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.
I need to move out. I just walk of shamed my way into a family breakfast party. There's no response when grandma says "where you coming from in heels at 9AM?"
She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while
Ugh I just wanna make an announcement like: Attention high school classmates: if we haven't spoken in 5 years, we don't need to start now. Please be on your way
It's pathetic. My bed hasn't been this sexless since it was in bedmart.
Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.
That was one of the best texts I got today
Not even official and he's cleaned my puke twice. His hotdog skills are an added bonus. I've got a keeper
Congratulations, you have turned my vagina into a garden hose.
I just really wish I could go back and unsex him. Waste of my vagina.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
It was a recodring of you having sex ! It was like an ape and a dying mongoose at a buffet Xoxoxo
Last night you dunked donut holes in spinach dip, ate it, threw up, and continued eating. I cant keep up with your drunk eating skills.
I was wondering where the donuts went.
What's the plan?
Not sure. I think I'll take a dump on his windshield.
Randomize
