her orgasm sounded like a fucking walrus crying.
SOME GIRL ON THE STAIRS IN FRONT OF ME JUST FARTED AND IT WENT STRAIGHT INTO MY MOUTH!
it's like i need an invisible sign across my boobs that says "DOESN'T HAVE DADDY ISSUES" that only old men can see
Yes, yes she is. This will teach her not to pull her vibrator out and harass people with it at parties.
The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?
I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God
Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"
i'm teaching a bunch of people how to grow weed over snapchat. no shame.
I stole all of the toasting champagne and did an interpretive dance to "wind beneath my wings". I am literally everything you're not supposed to do at weddings.
But your showmanship is impeccable.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
FUCK YOU AND YOUR WEAK ASS EYEBROWS
No matter how many miles separate us, I will always be here to get you through whiskey shots.
did anyone ever come to your door asking about the blood on the floor?
Dude someone puked in a bowl n put it in the fridge. I thought it was salsa! Who does that?
Randomize
