tod's in jail
he was afraid of holiday checkpoints so we let him ride my mom's tandem bike home. by himself. at 4 am.
just got my tax refund and at bell. how do you say i want a grand worth of 5 layer burritos in spanish?
We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together
Nothing says "I forgive you for puking on me during sex" like a Facebook add the next morning...
I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy
We're gonna go drive around campus and throw water balloons at all the drunk bitches wobbling around, wanna come?
You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.
So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
the old man that you threw the shoe at says "hi" and many rude words...
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
By 11 pm the pants were off and there was no turning back. But on the bright side, you promised me your CDs when you died, you even signed a napkin saying so.
Who spent today in nothing but a vajazzle and candy thong? SORRY NOT SORRY
Two cats fucking in the middle of the street. I sat there and watched in my car because I didn't want to cock block the male by honkin my horn.
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
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