when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre
His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.
sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner
we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?
You said my dick was impressive. You thank someone when they say that. My momma raised a gentleman.
Y'all best leave this "I can only have a couple drinks" shit at the door. U don't drive to Yukon to have a shot. I'm getting u fuckers drunk.
I tried to pay my tab and go home but she wrote me a "list of things I'm good at" with fellatio as no 1...
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
So what's your itinerary for Amsterdam?
Show up, get drunk, get laid, try not to miss my flight home.
I paper cut my nipple reading mail topless
I'm so high right now that I winked back at a character in this TV show.
Drunk version of me is like a sleeping demon inside of me that awakes to the sound of vodka
It's only awkward the first ten minutes you realize it's not your house.
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