You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?
good news. it is gonna rain tomorrow so now I don't have to pay to clean the puke off the side of your car.
I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.
No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.
Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'
The smoke alarm went off as soon as we opened the closet.
Well I'm 2 for 2 with the absinthe, I just woke up in some random car behind the bar
By the way, we're gonna have to get a new rug for the livingroom i kinda started ours on fire...
Dude your not gonna get by security covered in blood wearing only a robe
Don't worry I'm drunk they won't say anything
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
Over 50% of the drunkest nights I have ever had began with me saying "I'll just drink my dinner" to you.
I am naked in a blanket sprawled on my bed eating a pastry. This is all I want out of life. Ever.
Everything was cool till you started pissing while standing at the bar
Jesus, you make out with one twin then sleep with the other and suddenly they don't want to play soccer with you... Men can be so sensitive...
Your dog took my vibrator out to the yard
Randomize
