I think I took your hangover as a birthday present
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics
Last night I ate parmesan cheese straight out of the container while watching Chelsea Lately. Look at what happens to me when you leave.
he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life
his eyes are fucked up, he bumped into the cabinet while standing in my office, and he's pounding chicken soup, and he must have chewed on 8 pieces of gum before he got here.
Definitely just put my car on cruise control so I could stick my head out of the sunroof while driving to taco bell.
when he put a condom on for a handjob cuz he didn't want to "blow his load in the car" i started to question my choice in guys..
I just watched two grown men tickle-fight. Just glorious. No words.
I'm gonna go ahead and say I love our drinking habits but anytime we roundhouse a 750 of Schnapps on the way to a non competitive bowling league we might have problems
It's 3 am and I'm buying cat food and batteries for my vibrator. Good thing I shaved my legs for this.
I made him leave to get me chicken nuggets so I could have sex with his roommate
Hi,\n\nYou left your underwear in my Uber. Thanks and bye.
You're even getting laid in my dreams, god I'm a good wingman
I'm so stoned. We're making Josh's sister bake us brownies. She's so small and pixie like. Her brownies make me cry tears of happy.
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