I called Tyra Banks a whore to her face. A sure sign I should go home. Instead I went to the gay bar.
She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.
There comes a time in a man's life when he's almost thirty he just needs to stop watching Degrassi. This is that time.
there are way too many $1s in my wallet for last night to have been 'tame'
Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?
I definitely did a line of something I don't know with a Pagan biker. I make good decisions.
I left my pipe in my center console with a bowl packed when I took my car to the shop, and when I picked it up the weed had been smoked, but my oil change was only half price.
I really resent how she stayed home and ruined my plans to watch sci-fi and masturbate.
My life is a joke. Told everyone last night that they could call me Mrs. McCormick because I'm gonna end up alone with a handle of peach vodka anyways.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
I will refer to it as the penis of glory... he fucked me for 3 and a half hours - and all he needed was a 5 minute power nap in the middle (which he took WHILE INSIDE ME). I plan on staying with him forever
i came home after a long day at work and she dropped a plate of cheesecake and a bottle of whiskey in front of me and said here's dinner
UPDATE: IM NOT A TEEN MOM LETS GO PARTY
Got everyone out of my house, somehow managed to put all my lawn furniture back, puked in my sink, and cleaned it up all while black out drunk before my parents came home. Successful night.
Like he legitimately was standing straight up, feet on the roof, not holding on to a moving car.
Randomize
