I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.
Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.
Is it going to be one of those nights where I shouldn't wear my contacts so everyone looks more attractive?
he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.
Recycling my beer bottles from breakfast counts for earth day, right?
I have officially tracked lube all over our house on the bottom of my socks without knowing it. Don't slip when you come in
I want Samuel L. Jackson to stand beside me and narrate my morning shits.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
Dude at one point I lost you only to find you sitting in the bushes eating pizza.
I am available for nakedness
IT'S FUCKING BABY SEASON ON FACEBOOK. MY VAGINA WANTS TO THROW UP
Can now check off "Start bar fight with my dad." on my bucket list.
he told me he wanted me to go see his cat. apparently i was more interested in playing with his cat then having sex.
There are only a few things more freaky than wandering around a zoo drunk.
I'm drinking because I just started here and every single person I work with wants to quit and when I asked a coworker how she's doing she literally just started crying.
Randomize
