I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"
I found my laptop, credit card, and a bottle of Morgan all on the counter this morning. I'm scared to see what gets delivered to my house this week.
I'm guessing "whatever I can get" wasn't the reply the nurse wanted when asking what med I need. Oh, and asked for a cartoon band-aid.
I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety
The usual. Woke up on a dog bed with peeps and $11.
Is it bad that my only regret is fucking on the bathroom floor and not the sink?
I miss the smell of you or some shit.
He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.
Morning yack off the fire escape. Girl walking by was mortified. Gooooooooo Ducks!!
I want to be you.
Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."
i'm pretty sure you can't sue someone for "Taking a shit on my kitchen floor."
Hi I'm on my way to give you multiple screaming orgasms and Easter candy
My vagina measures dicks. It's accurate to the half inch.
I slept with six men with different nationalities this week. Who says I'm not a woman of culture?
So, I need to know. Why did you spraypaint your underwear gold?
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