i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps
I think the waitress doesn't beleive I have friends coming. I've had 4 drinks and a large salad just waiting for you guys.
the towel caught on fire outside the hottub but we were all too stoned to care
And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.
he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.
No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial
Will you please bring your dog over today? Apparently I was drunkenly cooking last night. There's food everywhere. I'm too hungover to clean.
It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.
He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.
Drunk me wrote a bucket list last night. #4 is "hate fuck a childhood enemy". Can we make this happen?
Pretty sure by 1p, she had fucked all of my bodily fluids out of me. I'm now trying to replace them with bourbon so 2016 is turning out pretty good.
I just gave myself a foot massage. #SingleAsFuck
By 9 pm this evening I'll have accomplished smashing with two different guys in two different time zones in the same day.
Stay hydrated
These snow days are takeing a toll on my liver
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
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