I thought you should know that you passed out in your trash can last night.
Thanks for throwing up on me.
can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd
wasted?
im pocohantasssss
Michael Jackson and Farah Fawcett are dead
NOOOOOOOO not MJ! Someone tell the paramedic to grab him by the heart and just "Beat it"
i just cleaned out my toilet because i knew that my head would be in it later
I just came up with the perfect plan. Once i'm a dentist i'm going to offer dad a million dollars to divorce mom.
I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame
If anyone could figure out how to pee on someone's soul, it would be you.
You always know what to say to make me feel better.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great
We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.
There are two guys dressed like Spartans from 300 at this bar and they're making out and I needed you to know this
Who are you to come into MY house and tell me when I can or cannot take my pants off?
Highlight your past hook-ups. You've been stabbed, shot at, run over, and chased down the road...no you can't bring new bar bitch over here!
Dude she has a friend!!!!
My alcoholism is old enough to drink.
He licked me while I ate pretzels and chips. I was really living my best life.
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